great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
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Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.