great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
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The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.