Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
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It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
