Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
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My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.