Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
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Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW