Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

Mmmm. Shoeshi

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

I’d rather go liquor treating.

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.