Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.