Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
that’s really how it is
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
my dog when i have a friend over
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.