Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
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About to go for a run, because shoplifting
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas