Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I missed you with all my darts
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds