great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
U talkin 2 me?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.