great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.