“Great, now I have to pee.”
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Passwords are more important than ever.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
