“Great, now I have to pee.”
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[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.