“Great, now I have to pee.”
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
.. do you even science?
wait a minute….
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Strangers have the best candy.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.