Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
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[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.