Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

Me when I’m ovulating

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.