Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.