@philmann

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

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@meganamram

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

@simoncholland

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

@AdderallMomma

Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

@jensenmarie_

Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.

NO YOU GET A LIFE.

@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@copymama

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

@MelissaJoy33

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

@WTF_MYOB

I have a gut feeling about you.

It’s called nausea.

@PORNOPINION

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/