Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

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I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”


Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.


Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.


Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.



My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.


Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.


Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.


I have a gut feeling about you.

It’s called nausea.


Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”


Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/