Can’t, I’m fighting over the space heater with the cat
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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Cpr instructor: ok get down next to the dummy
*Everyone kneels beside me*
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
When you know your about to be spammed on #tinder
“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here