Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
