Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
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if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week