Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
and now we wait
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
an octopus is just a wet spider
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I can also cook 😂
WHY?!
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
