Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.

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Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.


[in bed]
WIFE: *pulls away from kissing* does he really have to be here
ME: yes i paid good money for this


WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*


I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.


[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?


The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.


I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.


Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.


CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
Me: *smirks*


Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.