Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
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My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.