Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was it something I said?

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy