Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
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me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.