GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
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I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Oops I deleted….
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
What do you hear?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.