Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.