Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

I only look at Wordle for the articles

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

How to wake up a Beagle

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.