Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.