Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?