Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

This seems like peak sibling energy

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.