Great acting.. 😂
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
So glad we cleared that up
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic