greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
You Might Also Like
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore