greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My teenage children choosing violence
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.