greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
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writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”