Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
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anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
a god among men
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane