Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no