Greatest headline of the day:

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acrylic nails are the best and worst things to ever happen. bagel right out the toaster? you can grab that shit like it’s not even hot. drop some quarters tho? keep walking that ain’t your change anymore


I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.


Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.


At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.


[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes


The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.


I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.


Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.