“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
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mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
A friend helps you before you need it
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.