Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
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Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Every house has this drawer
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
me watching my own Instagram story
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
lol
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”