Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
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can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
logging onto twitter…
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁