Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”