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imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.