You Might Also Like
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier