Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
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I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?