Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

😂😂

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS