Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
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Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Saw this yesterday lol
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
going to the ER y’all need anything
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.