Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.