Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.