Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
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Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.