Green is just blue that someone peed in
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*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
bags with threatening auras
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Growing up was a huge mistake
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]