Green is just blue that someone peed in
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Oops I deleted….
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Animal poetry
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
