Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Only a mother’s love …

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Mistakes were made

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

Me: how are you

Friday: good

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…