Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.