Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.