Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
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Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”