Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
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I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
He-man has a Masters degree
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms