Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…