Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
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Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I need a headline like this
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.