Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

🤣🤣

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident