[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
You Might Also Like
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
👽
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.