Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.