Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

subtitles are so good nowadays

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view