Greeting humans vs their dogs
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[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *