Greeting humans vs their dogs
You Might Also Like
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.