I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
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I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking