The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.
GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- “what’s the deal with airline food?” GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL
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Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?
*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*
Interviewer: you’re just what we need
Couch: $300 TV: $1000 Chips: $3. The look on your face when you don’t have electricity: Priceless
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
A spider is just a hairy raisin with legs
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
*amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over*
Cat in audience: Oh, this guy’s good
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol