Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing