@pissrifle

GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- “what’s the deal with airline food?” GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL

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@Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.

@burnie

Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?

*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*

Interviewer: you’re just what we need

@Juven_Naidoo

Couch: $300 TV: $1000 Chips: $3. The look on your face when you don’t have electricity: Priceless

@robfee

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

@4SLars

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

@bea_ker

*amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over*
Cat in audience: Oh, this guy’s good

@Brampersandon_

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol