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My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
house sitting!
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.