Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*