Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pringles

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”